The Parable of the Cows (Redux)

cows


The "Parable of the Cows" has been around for a long time. I remember hearing a much shorter and less complex version during the Cold War Era. This offering has been updated to include more modern, and even postmodern examples.


SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you just enough milk to survive.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

ROYAL BANK OF
SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption
for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.

SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.

A GREEK CORPORATION
You have two cows. You borrow lots of Euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.
You borrow more Euros and hire the entire population of several villages to maintain the infrastructure.
They spend much of their time at the local taverna drinking coffee and ouzo and take daily four-hour afternoon siestas. 
You still only have two cows.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot and block the roads because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE COMMUNIST STATE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation, carefully shoot him in the head, harvest and sell his organs.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the s**t out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive...

A LOUISIANA CORPORATION
You have two cows.  You have a boucherie and eat one.  You eat every part of it except the brains which you send to Washington to upgrade their supply, and send the very extremity of the lower intestine to the health czar.
You milk the other one on your dairy farm which now supplies fracked natural gas in large enough quantities to pay for everything for the rest of your life so you don’t need more than one cow.
You only keep the one left because you are a member of the Foundation for Historical Louisiana and participate in reenactments.
Laissez les bon temps rouler.

POSTMODERNISM
You have two cows; or do you? When you come right down to it, what really defines "cowness"? You advocate that the cows be given positions at the Jacques Foucault School of Post-Contemporary Literature and Social Studies. One of the cows writes a critically acclaimed book on eighteenth century bovine hierarchy and transgenderedness among French cattle of the Loire Valley and receives tenure. The other gives milk, is denied tenure and ends up working as an adjunct at a junior college, teaching six classes a semester.You have no cows; you have no milk.What are cows? What is milk, but a personist construct employed to oppress bovine "Others."

OBAMA STYLE PROGRESSIVISM
Several corporations have millions of cows that provide the economy with thousands of jobs, dairy products and meat.
The president and his many henchmen vilify the corporations, increase their taxes, and, as the result of a milk spill and because cows produce greenhouse gasses, forbid the corporations from producing milk and meat, and from acquiring more cows.
The administration further vilifies the corporations when they let employees go and the price of milk and beef skyrocket.
Obama asks why these companies aren't paying their "fair share" and the chorus is taken up by the media.
When milk and beef disappear from the market as a result of government regulation, the administration blames (1) the companies; (2) the GOP and (3) George W. Bush.